| ode de Ivey |
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| 07:46pm 16/06/2004 |
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mood:  blah
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Damn as for the zoo..... I FUCKING FORGOT to mention my love, Ivey... the bearded dragon! I cant believe that.... Ivey I apologize... we love you too. |
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| 07:34pm 16/06/2004 |
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mood: blah
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Well, as always I haven't posted to this in about 6 months so, it's about that time.
I am working 2 jobs now; Petland, and as a janitor. Between the 2 of them, I am plenty stressed out. I do not have even one whole day off... ever... FUCK WORK.
My house is now a zoo due to my working at a pet store. I have an albino corn snake, an albino ferret, a slew of fish and tadpoles, and of course Mya. I think thats it. Oh yeah, and my man, Jeremy. hehe...
I went to NOLA last weekend and got to see my old freind, Kerry's new band Summer Dying. They played first at Sepplin's and then at the Dixit Taverne. It was amazing to see Kerry, and even more so to see SD play here. I am sooo happy that I got that oppertunity.
Last but, not least. I have to publicly give a shout out to my boieee... tha Goat. He's in Tampa as I speak, gettin poked and prodded at to enable him to walk again. My thoughts and heart go out to him. He is a strong strong man. ::raises fist in tha air for Goat:: We love you buddy, come home soon! |
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| 05:47pm 11/02/2004 |
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mood:  peaceful music: chitty chitty bang bang
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Hey all... I'm droppin a line to let you all know about some really bad ass promotions that roadrunner is doing.
One of them they are calling the almighty Reissue. Basically they are taking 2 of the best albums from many different RR artists and making it a double disk for the price of one.
Artists Include: King Diamond, Obituary, Suffocation, Pestilence...among others.
Secondly..... The Best of:
Deicide, Life of Agony, Brujera, Malevolent Creation, on and on...
A few at a time they are realeasing Remasters of all the greats:
Most Recently......Nailbomb, & Disincarnate
Please Please don't take my lousy word for it.. just go to.... http://www.roadrun.com/roots/
Thanks alot... SPREAD THA SICKNESS
Amber
rr_secretagent6@hotmail.com
http://www.roadrunnerrecords.com/ |
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| 02:44pm 11/01/2004 |
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mood:  hungry music: Arch Enemy- Wages of Sin
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I have to say just a couple things. Nothing worth reading though I'm afraid...
Female Metal bands kick sooooo much ass!!
Arch Enemy- ::licks lips::
Love is a beautiful thing when it is without Fear.
SSsshhh... don't tell anyone.
I hate being sick all the time.
Every day is a struggle just to exist.
Corporate American, judgemental humans & their beliefs can suck a dick.
Fuck Work.
Time is irrelevant when your happy.
... and happiness really feels good.
Pleasure is better than pain.
hhmm, never thought I'd say that.
....still like inflicting it on innocent strangers though.... tee hee
conclusion:
this post is pointless.
~Bella Belial |
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| New Years success... |
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| 08:12pm 02/01/2004 |
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mood: content music: crickets chirping and keys clicking...
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I locked up the front half of my hair about a week ago. Didn't know if I would like it or not. Seems to match my style and attitude well so, I guess I'll try it out. I mean it's not like I can go back now. Ha Ha...
Went to the State Palace as planned, J-bon, David and I. I choose the mostly sober route (minus the vodka). I don't care much for vodka though, so I can't say that was too much of a treat too. What was however, was spending good times with great freinds. I only hope that my others closest had as much fun this New Year. I also, want to say fuck "resolutions"....never quit anything!! Ha Ha!
Be self-ritechous and honor thy brother.
Love & Bruises,
Bella Belial
Shout out:
I want to thank my sweetie for gettin us home safely! You are the (sic)est. and...
as cheesy as it may sound.. for giving me faith & trust in love, once again. |
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| Ketchup |
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| 11:32am 30/12/2003 |
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mood:  anxious music: UGK
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Just a xmas post since I am like tha only mutha not postin to this thing every other day.... HHMM, diminished hard feelings with my father... got the sweetest man in tha fuckin world, and he's mine foreva! What more could I ask for right? Well, I am completely happy, and satisfyed with the fact that I have love in my heart/life again but, there is one thing...... my mom didnt send me anything for xmas. I dont mean presents, not a card, call nothing. HHMM, kinda got me shook up but, oh well, not like I've ever been able to rely on her be4 ya know.. haha... anyway there's my xmas rant...
I am sooo freegin excited to be going to the State Palace again for New Years with my love!!!Its going to be uphoria!(however you may spell it) Tha line up looks killer, and then some. I am just mostly glad to be there with Jeremy on my arm instead of across the room, acting like I don't exist. It was all my fault too, that made it hardest. Well, point is I am finally happy again, thanks to fate.
Bella Belial |
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| hhmph |
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| 11:12pm 20/12/2003 |
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mood: content music: wheels in my head & the fan in the computer
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Woke up abruptly, had trouble sleeping despite my wonderful surroundings. Had a stumbly day but it rolled on for sho. Tha Goat, J-bon, and myself roused up every last ounce of patience and kindness today and I give us all hella props!! WOOT WOOT! "Bicardi.... yous my only freind...." haha, and then sleep...
Hey, oh yeah... J-bon took me to eat at Monterreys today, yumyum!! It was sooo good, glad to know they're better at cooking than growing weed... haha, just playin. Anyway, I'm babbling when I got someone lovely to attend to. Holla back... peace....
haha.... joking. |
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| much needed update |
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| 05:09pm 19/12/2003 |
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mood:  grateful music: Dr. Mendez "Evil-Ution"
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Well, "event" that is for sure... hehe }:P I am happy once again... hhmm strange but, true. Life throws all kinds of curve balls at you doesnt it. I have usually been the one to help others but, this time someone was lookin out for me. If my rambling makes no sense then I will fill you all in....
My uniting with my other half makes me whole again..
I'm sure you all recognize what I'm saying, and can relate in one way or another.
I know this entry is a far cry from my last one but, I am in a totally different light right now. Blinded by beauty and surrounded by support and loving friends makes my dead heart pound.
I want to thank all the people in my life right now, for you all have made my life whole again.
A special note:
Jeremy, my prince, you are the most krucial dawg! haha, love you! |
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| look around you- innocence, ripe for the taking |
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| 11:54pm 27/11/2003 |
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mood: numb music: Cryptopsy
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this is the end..my only friend, the end.
or maybe just the beginning...i dont know anymore
days run into nights and vice-versa
time is irrelevent
and pain... there is no pain
only flesh and blood
sadial-masochistic piercing is my pleasure
my passion, my love....my only love
and so, To my love-
i give everything
my lingering heart, and burning soul
once upon a time i would give my mind
but thats gone now
only flesh and blood to feast upon and devour
this is my journal entry - those who know me may understand and for others - fuck you.
(if you want to know, you must sacrifice yourself to me and upon my bleeding hands must you place your soul for redemption. then, and only then, may you see the darkness that lies within these eyes.) |
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| hhmm |
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| 10:42pm 13/06/2003 |
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mood:  infuriated music: chattering of teeth and breaking of wood
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W...hell...... *achem* Thank you folks that are reading this for still keeping me on your journal, in hopes that I may one day return to my normal computer nerdness... but, nope your once again wrong... I'm BACK IN BLACK... hahahah........................ maybe able to update more often so deal with it... haha.. later on fools.. |
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| RIP Jimmy McGinnity |
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| 12:45pm 12/12/2002 |
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mood:  cynical music: Cephalic Carnage -"Rebellion"
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HHMMM, where to start. Okay, first off I want to give my condolences to anyone who knew Jimmy McGinnity, guitarist from Demise(NOLA). He was a great person, sweet, funny and an amazing guitarist. I will miss him soooooo much and I, as well as anyone else who knew him, will NEVER forget his smile and his solos!
I attended his service yesterday morning, and a beautiful service it was. Could've gone without all the christian propaganda.... but, that's a christian funeral for ya. *sigh* I only wish that his mother, and sister make it out of this one okay. Strength in time of loss is the hardest thing to do. After the service, I gave hugs and cried until my head and heart couldnt take it anymore. There was 3 things that were sooo hard to deal with at the funeral: Jimmy's distraught mother, seeing his guitar (plain without and stickers... and espically his trademark baphomet sticker), and seeing everyone I know from NOLA(the most "hardcore" mother fuckers) all crying their eyes out and bearly breathing. We all survived the funeral and on went the day.
I was supposed to meet good freinds, Gabe & Nik, downtown infront of the Shim Sham @4pm.... Jenn and I were there from about 3:30 until 6:30pm waiting in the freezing cold... They finally showed up and traffic was their excuse. I was irrate, to say the least but, instead of taking it out like i usually do, on myself..... heheheheh.. muhaa... i decided to torture other random people. I think I made alot enemies & torture friends that night, and as far as I'm concerned... fuck them all... I dont give a shit. haha.
Anyway, we went to the Cannibal Corpse, Cephalic Carnage, Deeds of Flesh, Malevolent Creation show at 8... OMG!!!!! I can not even decribe the fucking brutality forced down the throats of unsuspecting fucking NOLA punks... haha! It was sooo fucking great to kick some ass! I got hurt, i hurt others... pissed a bitch off, by pushing her down and breaking her drink. oh well... I really wanted to get in a fight... but, hhmph no luck. During Cephalic, i went off like an act of God in that mother fucker... haha.. I want to fucking give my boys in Cephalic, major fucking props for an awesome show and for the 3 shouts out for Jimmy!!! That made my fucking night! At that time I was a little upset still and venting but, when they gave that shout out... it was alllllll over!! (just to add, Deeds of Flesh was fucking brutal too but, not many people knew them and shit, you all know how that shit goes... and unfortuniately i didnt catch much of Malevolent Creation but, they sounded great.) Okay, last but not least..... CANNIBAL CORPSE!!!! I personally am not all that into them... Simply for the fact that I like the underground brutal shit.. the shit that no one knows about. I have to admit though, Corpse, ..... fucking.... tore... it... up!!!!! Holy shit, it was amazing.. Almost too much fucking talent for one little stage. Everyone in that venue was banging their heads, together in sequence, it was sick! I have always wanted to see the classic metal acts (Deicide, Cannibal, Obituary, etc... shit, I havent even seen Pantera..haha) though, so this was a show to remember! ggrr, I feel sooooooooooo much fucking better now that I got my head straight werked out at that show.. haha.. Well, I have to go to werk today at 3pm, fucking blows placenta chunks.. fuck fuck.. I don't wanna, I hurt.. ggrr, its my fault though.. Well, I guess I'mma rest for a while.. Thanks for reading this and being interested in my night. Just to recap: RIP Jimmy McGinnity, and ANYTIME YOU HAVE THE CHANCE GO SEE CEPHALIC CARNAGE, or CANNIBAL CORPSE!!!!!!! If you don't I going to skin you and rape your bleeding former-self.... later.... |
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| The spawn of a new LIVE...or EVIL... |
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| 12:15am 08/10/2002 |
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mood: cynical music: The melodies of my childhood past-"silence, scream, silence"
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Well, I know I haven't posted in FOREVER... and I don't apologive because I am too scatter-brained to make any sense anymore. I just wanted to remind everone.. HEY!!! I AM NOT A TEENAGER ANYMORE!!! It has taken forever but, I turned 20 about 15 mins ago and already I hate it. HAHAHAHAHAH .. At least I'm getting a half sleeve tattoo out of the deal. Lucky me.
If anyone cares to call any tell me happy birthday please do....
I am feeling a great loss of innocence and becoming............ |
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| walking contradiction |
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| 04:57pm 26/08/2002 |
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mood: bitchy music: Ancient - Mad Granoise Bloodfiends
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Woke up today, BAMM! ANXIETY ATTACK.... was able to relax this time though, and thought to myself.. "Damn, that sucked, just be calm ..." Spent a little time today breathing slow and trying to overcome.
Then *she* shows up... Tiffy knows who I'm talking about.. and ggrr... all my breathing was a waste.
I HATE ANXIETY!
Man, now I am neauseated, got a pounding heart and head, not to mention, about to pass out, dizzy and on edge... HHMM for a minute there I wondered why I feel this way.... the reasons are obvious. hahahaha....
*deep breath* ................ *deep breath*.............
okay.. now... today, I want to get away from the usual friends.. Doubt that will happen though cause I don't know anyone... haha..
sooo... Plan B is always to get drunk... I don't know if I should spend the only 3 bucks I have on alcohol though... What do you all think?
I don't smoke and don't eat very much so... hhmmm... options, options...
I think I'll save it for food unless someone comes over to see me...
Something else thats bothering me...
haha.. and since this is a journal, you all have to listen! ahahhaha!
...is when I get anxiety, sometimes it hits me before I realize what is causing it...
and most often I never really know what is....
ggrr... and I am pissy, due to what? Myself making myself get upset??
but why??
why cant my heart stop pounding? why can't my head stop spinning and my hands stop shaking??? *deep breath*
hhmm.... doesn't help...
maybe I'm just annoyed to eaisly... and think too damn much..
but, ggrr... I try to detach myself from things and everyone tells me to "deal" rather than "avoid".......
hehe.......... I am a walking contradiction.. haahhahah... go me..
What to do.. What to do...
Relax... Yep, that's a give in.
I'll TRY................. |
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| strangulation & its glory |
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| 12:36am 26/08/2002 |
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mood: cynical music: Necropolic Rec. & Pit Mag. Compilation
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HHMM.... Well, to to keep from hurting anyone... boring anyone... or starting anymore drama.....im going to keep things simple and say that yesterday I sat around and was alienated by the TV and marijuiana all day...
and today I went to Jillian's with Tiff, Ryan & Doug.... HHMM to break off about Jillians for a sec... I never thought I'd see the day when you have to use $20 bills to charge a credit card at an arcade! Thats fucking ludacrisim....
Somtimes the combination of be being broke, coporate commercial bullshit, and bling bling theiving niggers drives me to want to kill....... ggrrrr.... fuck downtown Memphis.... I'll get into trouble there... or get shot, one of the two...
as we were leaving a abulance, fire truck and 2 SUV K-9 cops pulled up infront of Jillians and on the interstate, there was a big reck going opposite us.... Seems that death is all around me...
suffocating isnt it.... ...... life ...that is... |
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| GGGggrrrrrrrrr.............FuCk |
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| 04:37pm 23/08/2002 |
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mood: aggravated music: Ebony Tears
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Jesus, my heart hurts... Anxiety is going to blow it up... GGRR... holla, if you hear me! haha.. anyway, I'm tryin to keep my head up. A freind of mine told me that yesterday so, I'm really trying it out. HHMM... well, where to start..
I don't want to get into alot of what happened last night because it's rather personal...
GGRRrrr...................but, anyway....
Tiffy & Ryno, Matt & Manda, Dylan, Andi, Dennis, Festive, Kristina, Brad.... i could go on and on.. were here last night.. for a little get together for Tiff's underage freinds.. Have fun girl this weekend!
Don't worry about me...I'll be here, accompanied by Bad Doug himself.....
Long story... Doug hurt himself and they got home this morning. Talk about a suprise.. hahahahahaha... haha...h ahaha haha... *psycotic histerical laughter*
gggggggggrrrrrrrrrr........... fuck.
fuck
fuck
fuck
i like that word... only one better... thats... CUNT... hahahhahahahaha....
anyway, got to go help Doug make breakfast... later.
p.s. sorry dennis..... i apologize for my pathetic mind and your kindness, fucking up your whole life.... Jenn would take care of you I know it. |
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| I'm an aphetamine, YES! |
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| 04:20pm 23/08/2002 |
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You are a great buzz to be around and inspire people to actually get things done. Thing is people tend to miss their meals spending alot of time with you and sometimes they get paranoid and think they are spied on by the secret services. It's very difficult for people to sleep with you around and sometimes you just make people outright nervouse and anxious. As stimulating as you are, people sometimes complain of headaches, as they dont nessesarily want to go to bed with you and some people may actually become hostile and aggressive with you. Find out If You Were A Drug, What You Would Be! quiz by ravenritings |
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| Reflections of a day lost.. to self-inflicted anguish |
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| 09:51pm 21/08/2002 |
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mood: bitchy music: Opeth, Blackwater Park
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Today was a shitty day.. slept well.. for the whole 2 hours i got... hhmm, I have ne responsibilities at this point in my life and I still can't manage to get enough sleep. I think I have a problem relaxing, forgetting about shit, or something.. because I hate being tired and I always am.
HHMM.. Today is Miss Tiffany's beautiful 21st birthday! YAY, I am so happy for her.. but, honestly it makes me think about how I still have to wait a year for mine. Damn, I hate being young, in such a grown up world.
I had a really rough night and day today. Last night I did 3 piercings for my portfolio. 2 Lip piercings for Alicia, and for Becky, a second deeper navel ring. Her navel was already pierced but, they didnt go deep enough so i just put another one behind it. They both looked awesome and as soon as I get the pics I will definately post them.
Well, Doug is on tour and time is going so slow.. We are having a little miscomunication since he is like 1000 miles away and misunderstood, I guess. I just hate trying really hard in relationships.. I know this is a first time thing for me and him but, I believe in the theory that relationships should just work (for the most part) if they are meant to be. I don't know... maybe I'm just fooling myself though. Maybe I'll never be happy in a relationship. HHMMM, something to think about... to fester about.. to get anxiety and freak out.. ggrrr... I hate being mentally unstable! Why couldn't I have been born with a silver spoon in my mouth and not a care in the world? Then I could manipulate men into doing whatever I want and be a goddess to some... just plain hard to get to others.. I guess I don't think highly enough of myself to do that... hhmmmmm....
I also hate missing people... and jealousy... why can't I just be content where I am and it just be easy?? I don't undertand why things are so difficult for me here. I just can't get settled. GGRRR... I hate the fact that just cause I have mental problems everyone else blames it on themselves. Why can't people just take my word for it that I am fucked up and drop it? Damn it.... *tear* ...Fucking Opeth makes me cry every time! ggrr.. life is so fucked. maybe its just me.
Well, I was almost in a drunken driver on whiskey, accident last night... 70mph skidding to s stop into a red light. damn that girl... im not riding with anyone ever again that is spoiled, drunk and absoultely careless! fuck that.
okay well, lets see... right now.. there are people downstairs jamming.. Dennis is here chillin, and Tiff/Ryan/Dylan are supposed to get ahold of me... but, I am too fucking ehausted from the days events to look forward to anything right now. I just want to fall out and not get up... ggrrr...................
Enough. |
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| pot=love |
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| 10:05am 20/08/2002 |
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mood: hungry music: Amorphis- Karelian Isthmus
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Ok for those of you who know me really well will know that my nick name is Kottonmouth Queen... or Maggot Queen... or Angel... okay so i have a few... but, I love to smoke me some green!!! and.... as most of you have noticed Memphis is fucking dry! So, last night was a godsend when my freind Dennis(=god), came through.. he is a god for smoking me out.. ive been thinking i was going to have to kill me some folk and take them for their pot... ggrr... that would be silly of me now huh.. haha...
anyway, I smoked out and drank 2 beers, watched Night of the Living Dead for the 20millionth time... gotta love it!
I fell alseep on my left side holding the pillow... aaww... spirits all around me... i could feel them...
but.. then....
I forgot I had to get up and take Festive to work by 8... ggrr.. it was a long drive and I was half ass hung over and asleep! ggrrrr
oh well, im home now and relaxing.. took a shower, and feel much better!
IM STARVIN MARVIN..
got enough food in the house just waiting for dennis to wake up to make him breakfast too.. hey, its the least i can do for his kindness!
well, i think i hear movement downstairs....
oh yeah, and i wanted to publicly apologize for standing up Tiff, Ryan, Don & everyone last night. i have no excuse, just got lazy... sorry. |
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| Tonight, we dance... |
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| 05:12am 17/08/2002 |
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mood:  loved music: Type O - "love you to death"
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Well, first off... I need bud... IF ANYONE, knows where to get any let me know please!!!!! Its an emergency!! my lungs are dying from resin.. ggrr...
okay.. tonight I got invited over to Dons... finally, and had alot of fun with Tiffany, Ryan, Don, Stef, Jacob, & Alicia... and despite the drama... I want to thank all of you for hanging out tonight and shit.. I had a great time and felt so much love it was awesome!! for real!! I was so comfortable... could have something to do with what i was fucked up on but, I think it was a room full of wonderful people that did it for me.. thanks all... I look forward to spending time with you all.. and i want to invite you all over for a good time here anytime you want to party... my place is empty but, fun to romp around in. lots of room and its actually quiet here now that everyones not barging in and being obniouxious...
To stef, alicia,and jacob.. it was good finally hanging out with you all and i hope you want to hang out again soon ... you guys rock!
To don... I really want to get together with you and dance sometime soon.. im not 21 yet so, it will probably be just in your apt. i wont mind. i need to get it out, i have so much pysical energy that i cant express any way.. you have this rythm in your dance that i can dig so, we definately need to.. tonight just was to sudden for me to feel comfortable.. i get to pick the music though, ill bring my cds.. okay.. JUNGLE all the fucking way!!!!!
To Tiffany and Ryan.. I love you guys and you better call me tomorrow... i need my fix... i miss you already...
honestly i was really worried that i would be sooo lonley this next 2 weeks but, i knew my wonderful freinds would come through for me sooner or later..
i got to talk to jeremy tonight and that was go great. i miss his company and he is a great friend.. i just hope that my encouragement is enough to help him through this confusion and make him stronger.. i dont want to break him down by letting him know i am here to care but, it seems as though his feelings overwhelm him too much... i think he just needs to let go and be at peace with his being... i am trying desperately to do the same.. i wish you all the happiness in the world jeremy and i am here for you.. just please dont give up on our freindship.. no matter what!
well..... i am fucked up still and all emotional so i think im going to get off here before i say a bunch of stuff that i dont want to spill on here.. talk to you all later... good night and sweet dreams to everyone! |
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angelic_chaos's journal